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Category: Turkey Vulture

FHE Administration Decides to Return to Hybrid and Go Forward with Spring Break: Admits it was to Save Officer Green’s Sanity

In a shocking turn of events, Forest Hills Eastern’s administration admits that the school has returned to hybrid and permitted a spring break solely to save Officer Green’s sanity. At the beginning of the school season, Officer Green was tasked with directing traffic at the single intersection in the school parking lot. Because many parents no longer allow their children to take the bus due to the pandemic, more families have chosen to drive to…

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Font Wars

2020 has confronted our world with crisis after crisis. In such a time where we are presented with so many issues, we must prioritize those that have troubled millions of Americans and reached their ugly arms far and wide and relentlessly vexed people across the world for decades. There has been dissent over fonts since the Great Depression. In 1929, The Times (a British newspaper) hired Stanley Morison to design a new text font. He…

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Anatomy of the FHE Band

Contrary to popular belief, you do not choose your instrument; your instrument chooses you. With the exception of some outliers, as Band Kids grow and develop, they are found to fit into categories compiled with many common characteristics found across their sections. Disclaimer: These claims are scientifically-backed with years of observation and experimentation. The Hawk Herald is not responsible for any existential crises resulting from our ability to recognize your characteristic truths before you did. …

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Shrine Erected to Superintendent Behm in Great Hall

“It is the end of January. There have been no snow days, and we are desperate,” explained an anonymous member of the group responsible for the shrine that has appeared in the corner of the Great Hall this week. “This time last year we had a polar vortex and no school for an entire week. It’s just not fair.” Seniors, in particular, are agitated, hoping to maximize the number of days missed in the second…

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Students Replace Phones with “Carrier Hawks” After New Policy

As they say, modern problems call for ancient solutions. In the wake of the new district-wide cell phone policy, students have reportedly begun to interact with each other during class by sending their messages through carrier hawks. Forest Hills Eastern’s halls have transformed themselves into a flurry of feathers as each student’s personal bird carries notes, forgotten homework, and stolen test copies from class to class. Many students are raving about this new development. “I…

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