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Category: Turkey Vulture

Shrine Erected to Superintendent Behm in Great Hall

“It is the end of January. There have been no snow days, and we are desperate,” explained an anonymous member of the group responsible for the shrine that has appeared in the corner of the Great Hall this week. “This time last year we had a polar vortex and no school for an entire week. It’s just not fair.” Seniors, in particular, are agitated, hoping to maximize the number of days missed in the second…

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Students Replace Phones with “Carrier Hawks” After New Policy

As they say, modern problems call for ancient solutions. In the wake of the new district-wide cell phone policy, students have reportedly begun to interact with each other during class by sending their messages through carrier hawks. Forest Hills Eastern’s halls have transformed themselves into a flurry of feathers as each student’s personal bird carries notes, forgotten homework, and stolen test copies from class to class. Many students are raving about this new development. “I…

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Staff Members Arrested After Being Found Living on the Third Floor

The Grand Rapids Police Department stormed the Forest Hills Eastern High School building late Saturday night. They took into custody Ellen Hamersma, Thomas Wierenga, Linda McCarthy, and Steve Harvey; all former staff members at the school. Police claim that the four were living on the third floor in the A wing and survived off of dead turkey vultures that were downed by Wierenga’s drones and by drinking a mixture of garlic spray used on pizza…

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