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Category: Turkey Vulture

Font Wars

2020 has confronted our world with crisis after crisis. In such a time where we are presented with so many issues, we must prioritize those that have troubled millions of Americans and reached their ugly arms far and wide and relentlessly vexed people across the world for decades. There has been dissent over fonts since the Great Depression. In 1929, The Times (a British newspaper) hired Stanley Morison to design a new text font. He…

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Anatomy of the FHE Band

Contrary to popular belief, you do not choose your instrument; your instrument chooses you. With the exception of some outliers, as Band Kids grow and develop, they are found to fit into categories compiled with many common characteristics found across their sections. Disclaimer: These claims are scientifically-backed with years of observation and experimentation. The Hawk Herald is not responsible for any existential crises resulting from our ability to recognize your characteristic truths before you did. …

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Shrine Erected to Superintendent Behm in Great Hall

“It is the end of January. There have been no snow days, and we are desperate,” explained an anonymous member of the group responsible for the shrine that has appeared in the corner of the Great Hall this week. “This time last year we had a polar vortex and no school for an entire week. It’s just not fair.” Seniors, in particular, are agitated, hoping to maximize the number of days missed in the second…

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Students Replace Phones with “Carrier Hawks” After New Policy

As they say, modern problems call for ancient solutions. In the wake of the new district-wide cell phone policy, students have reportedly begun to interact with each other during class by sending their messages through carrier hawks. Forest Hills Eastern’s halls have transformed themselves into a flurry of feathers as each student’s personal bird carries notes, forgotten homework, and stolen test copies from class to class. Many students are raving about this new development. “I…

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Staff Members Arrested After Being Found Living on the Third Floor

The Grand Rapids Police Department stormed the Forest Hills Eastern High School building late Saturday night. They took into custody Ellen Hamersma, Thomas Wierenga, Linda McCarthy, and Steve Harvey; all former staff members at the school. Police claim that the four were living on the third floor in the A wing and survived off of dead turkey vultures that were downed by Wierenga’s drones and by drinking a mixture of garlic spray used on pizza…

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