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The Monthly (So Not) Monger, Foolish For Not Loving Cheese

Clouds are really pretty to look up and watch, but sometimes it turns to gloom in no time. Storm clouds roll in and people run inside to do absolutely nothing. But I personally think that rainy days are the prime outdoor picnic days. So, with that in mind, here’s my delicious, and slightly soggy, outdoor snack board. Sadly, I forgot to take pictures before people ate all of it, but I snagged a few shots between bites. 

Since a majority of the food has magically disappeared, here’s what I was able to recall about this delectable spread. Rhyming with spread, we have bread – I mean crackers, basically the same thing. Surprisingly these buttery crackers held up well. But to whoever left a half-eaten one on the board, I will find you and make you eat the rest of it. Eating soggy food in the rain is one thing, but to leave food half-eaten is insulting, especially to the poor cracker. 

Strewn around the cracker carcasses, the prosciutto was rolled up and thrown onto the board. Since this brand was cheaper than usual, it had a different texture. The distinct thin slices weren’t present, instead, the meat was tough and tasted bland. How this made it on the shelves is beyond me. But if ever a need arises for prosciutto, this will not make the list of types to buy.

Still, on the topic of disappointments, a lone block of butter cheese was leftover from the extravagant board. But it never did get eaten. Maybe it’s because the crackers were practically unusable, or the fact that it tastes too much like a stick of butter. Either way, the poor slice suffered alone before being tossed into the trash bin. The other cheese however was much better. Red Windsor, which turned out a tad too pink, tasted amazing. But I couldn’t get over the outward appearance of it. It was as if a gallon of bloody milk had somehow made it into the cheese-making process. 

A much more appetizing red item was the fresh strawberry. This batch was extremely sweet and great to add to the goat cheese. But this too left what could be said as a “lasting impression.” It stained my board and quite literally left a mark on the bamboo wood. At least the clementines knew how not to make a mess. The infamously kid-favored food was a hit for the class of high school students. Putting a smile on the faces of all but one, that one being the person who had the misfortune of peeling eight whole clementines for half an hour. 

Last is the cloud of cheese in a plastic container. Goat gouda is, and will always be my least favorite cheese. But to those who loved it, good for them. It tasted quite strong and… gross. What else is there to say about a cheese that is impossible to keep in my mouth for more than three seconds, what can I say, I’m biased. As someone who loves cheese, it’s not like every cheese imaginable would be a favorite. But this half-eaten board out of all the ones I’ve procured was definitely my favorite. With empty patches on the board, that are still unknown, they shall all be presumed to be some kind of bland cheese that everyone enjoyed but only ate out of pure hunger.

P.S. No students were forced into peeling clementines

P.P.S. April Fools, now go read the real article about the rainbow cheese spread

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