In a shocking turn of events, Forest Hills Eastern’s administration admits that the school has returned to hybrid and permitted a spring break solely to save Officer Green’s sanity. At the beginning of the school season, Officer Green was tasked with directing traffic at the single intersection in the school parking lot. Because many parents no longer allow their children to take the bus due to the pandemic, more families have chosen to drive to school, causing the lines in the parking lot to increase exponentially.
As he soon discovered, it took hours before the lines completely diminished. Day after day, Green faced the grueling process of ensuring the efficient arrival and departure of students in the mornings and afternoons. To pass the time, he claims that he “found it amusing to watch students run for their cars like it was The Hunger Games,” only for them to be cut off by aggressive parents ignoring parking lot etiquette. However, the angry glares from parents and students are slowly getting to the tired police officer. Between seniors’ complaints that their special parking spots had been taken away and enough close calls from loaded mini-vans, he’s had enough.
Officer Green finally began to voice his concerns: he is rumored to mumble, “I didn’t sign up to be a glorified crossguard” on a regular basis. In an exclusive interview with the Turkey Vulture, Green even mentioned that he got so bored directing traffic that he kept trying to see how far he could back up the car line past the Knapp-Pettis light—he cited that one day he was able to stretch the line all the way back to the beltline. Fearing for his mental state (and the parking lot line), FHE administration has moved quickly in order to mitigate the traffic flow heading into Eastern. According to Mrs. Pallo, “approving Spring Break and returned to hybrid were two serious moves in the right direction in protecting the mental health of Mr. Green.” She followed this up by saying that the administration “really became concerned when Officer Green attempted to coordinate traffic blindfolded one day.” Mrs. Yelding even chipped into the discussion, mentioning that a nifty side effect of this new decision was that keeping more kids at home would help slow the spread of “that weird disease thing that everyone keeps talking about.”
*Turkey Vulture articles are satirical and comedic. No disrespect is intended toward any mentioned parties.
Well done, Ryan. Clever.