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Anatomy of the FHE Band

Contrary to popular belief, you do not choose your instrument; your instrument chooses you. With the exception of some outliers, as Band Kids grow and develop, they are found to fit into categories compiled with many common characteristics found across their sections.

Disclaimer: These claims are scientifically-backed with years of observation and experimentation. The Hawk Herald is not responsible for any existential crises resulting from our ability to recognize your characteristic truths before you did. 


The Flutes tend to be very quiet talented, hardworking individuals in the band as well as in the normal classroom setting (and can sometimes be confused with kiss-ups). They usually are very willing to help you practice and study for tests in other classes, which somehow grounds their air of superiority they carry. Many are known to have very bright smiles and positive attitudes. Over time, The Flutes have cleverly adapted to being consistently well-behaved since they sit the closest to the band director. 


Clarinets are a less pronounced version of The Flutes. Though maintaining a relatively normal, quiet, and well-behaved facade, Clarinets (especially second-row clarinets) develop sneaky tendencies allowing them to communicate and mess around while the band director’s attention is focused on The Flutes. Though they do have many Squidward jokes thrown at them, according to Abby Brewer (’21), Clarinets “actually enjoy them,” and say to “keep them coming.”


Intelligent and multifaceted, Saxophones (including Altos, Tenors, and Baris) are the suave version of the Clarinets. They balance their good behavior with edgy remarks, overconfidence with sprinkles of humility, and their swaggy good looks with an overarching sense of nerdiness. Saxophones are loyal and over their high school careers. They grow and mature like fine wine.


The Horns have set a precedent for containing some of the most iconic people to ever grace the FHE band. Usually, there are very few of them, and over the many years they spend playing together, they develop a form of communication tailored from inside jokes. Alice Christensen (’23), the singular Horn of the band this year, describes her brethren as having “[unique] personalit[ies]” and being “super chill.”


When asked to describe his Trumpet peers, section leader Spencer Peters (’20) had only one word: “loud.” Trumpets are universally known to be egotistical and occasionally disarmingly brash. They prove notorious for their unique humor, rambunctious tendencies, and ability to confuse decibels with talent. All one has to do is simply google “trumpet memes” to be further satisfied with any evidence pertaining to why Trumpets are ripped on so often.


I know the assumptions that are made about my section. They have been deemed irresponsible, rowdy, and considered by band directors and other musicians to be easily distracted. I can only say that these assumptions are 100% correct at least 97% of the time. Percussionists, while usually the life of the party, are also emotionally exhausting. However, while causing grief, Percussionists are also a great asset to any band, bringing unparalleled energy and dramatic flair. 


The Trombones are a very specific breed who are gifted in the art of malarkey and enjoy energy drinks. Though witty and clever, Trombones tend to be partial towards sarcastic humor and the occasional dirty joke. Since they are seated the farthest away from the director aside from Percussion, Trombonists are able to get away with more shenanigans, which they translate to their lives outside of the band. 


Though visually prone to being diverse, Baritones are regarded as relatively quiet, but come out of their shell as you get to know them. This variety of band kids usually grew up playing Minecraft and likes to laugh a lot at pretty much anything. While very easy-going, Baritones do get rattled when you call them “mini-tubas.” As Owen Smolek (’20) states, in the metaphorical band family, Baritones are like the “cousin [at the family reunion] that only hangs out with other low brass members.”


Tuba players try as hard as they can, although some consider their music to be simplistic. While underestimated, Tubas are charismatic and enjoy exchanging jokes when they’re not in a tired slump. They are similar to the Baritones, but their laid-back attitude is somehow even more pronounced.

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