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Students Replace Phones with “Carrier Hawks” After New Policy

As they say, modern problems call for ancient solutions.

In the wake of the new district-wide cell phone policy, students have reportedly begun to interact with each other during class by sending their messages through carrier hawks. Forest Hills Eastern’s halls have transformed themselves into a flurry of feathers as each student’s personal bird carries notes, forgotten homework, and stolen test copies from class to class.

Many students are raving about this new development. “I love my carrier hawk,” said Frederick Smeed ‘21. “I can bring it with me wherever I go – no more need to go to the bathroom every hour to use my phone!”

But some have found the hawks to be just as distracting, if not more, than the cell phones that they have replaced. Teachers and administrators alike have voiced their complaints about the birds’ presence in the classroom. Science teacher Mr. Vandenvisser has taken what students consider drastic action against carrier hawks: banning them from his classroom entirely. Surely, the janitors appreciate his policy.

“I just find it so disrespectful when someone has their carrier hawk with them at the table,” he explained, twisting his hands through his hair in a panicked manner. “I’m afraid my students will become addicted to communicating with each other.” Unfortunately, we could not finish our interview, as we were interrupted by an incoming message for Mr. Vandenvisser from his own carrier hawk.

Whatever your opinion on these hawks, it does demonstrate the cell phone policy’s astounding success. The spike in airborne communication has caused the number of reported cell phone incidents to decrease dramatically.

As for the fate of the birds themselves, the future doesn’t look bright. Forest Hills Public Schools’ administration is already said to be developing a new carrier hawk policy, reportedly coming into effect early 2020.

*The Turkey Vulture articles are satirical and comedic. The contents are not true. No disrespect was intended toward the mentioned parties.