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Staff Members Arrested After Being Found Living on the Third Floor

The Grand Rapids Police Department stormed the Forest Hills Eastern High School building late Saturday night. They took into custody Ellen Hamersma, Thomas Wierenga, Linda McCarthy, and Steve Harvey; all former staff members at the school. Police claim that the four were living on the third floor in the A wing and survived off of dead turkey vultures that were downed by Wierenga’s drones and by drinking a mixture of garlic spray used on pizza in the lunch room as well as water that leaked in from the ceilings. Authorities were tipped off by a group of students who heard Hamersma reciting verses from Romeo and Juliet. The GRPD Chief of Police made the following comment, “Thanks to the air conditioning and heating in the building not working, voices were able to be heard through the air ducts. This allowed for students to clearly hear the words ‘two households both alike in dignity’ spoken in iambic pentameter by Ms. Hamersma.” Additionally, witness testimony states that Ms. McCarthy and Mr. Harvey have been seen walking the halls during the school week and interacting with current staff members. Furthermore, Daniel McElheny has been taken into custody for aiding and abetting his former colleagues. Police will visit FHE on Monday to continue interviewing students. If you have any helpful information in this ongoing investigation please contact Grand Rapids Silent Observer at (616) 493-8830.

*The Turkey Vulture articles are satirical and comedic. The contents are not true. No disrespect was intended toward the mentioned parties.